I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
