I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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