omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You dont lie about slip and slides
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
