he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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