This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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