apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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