I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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