Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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