sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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