fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
