Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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