i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
