How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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