Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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