my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
this just has baby written all over it
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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