I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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