let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I didn't notice because vodka
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Randomize
