Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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