Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
