Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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