what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
