God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Dicks are not precious.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
