I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
