I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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