I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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