I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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