i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
