i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
