Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
