So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
