Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
