he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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