You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
