I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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