We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He? As in you personified your dick?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
