Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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