I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
