mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
