Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
