My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
