The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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