I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
