I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
