the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
