I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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