I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
