please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
