If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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