I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Randomize
