I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Randomize
